Loss is an inevitable part of life. It is something that we all will experience in our lives. The great equalizer. The positive side of this is that we can always find someone on the other side of what we are experiencing. I’ve been dealing with loss since my early days working in HIV/AIDS support and I thought I had my reactions pretty well managed. Boy was I wrong.
I lost my dad this past year.
He had been the picture of health his whole life – until he wasn’t. He was a nearly full time caregiver to my step-mom and had even started to plan what his life would be like without her so he was prepared for what felt like an inevitable loss. Never in a million years did we think we would lose him before her. He was a very young 88 when he passed.
He had one bad injury from which he never recovered. He would rally, he would fade, he would rally again. He was determined to make it out of the hospital and rehab to get back home to my step-mother. She was his world. And though we could see the decline, we couldn’t bring ourselves to face the end.
Funny how that is. You can see the inevitable and yet it still comes as a shock.
I remember being with my father when his mother died. His father (my grandfather) had died a few years earlier. He turned to me and said “I’m an orphan now.” It struck me as odd, that a 60 + year old man would feel orphaned in the world. And yet, as I’ve spoken with other people who have lost both parents, they nod in acknowledgement when I say this. It is, apparently, not an uncommon thing.
This year we lost my step-mother as well.
The romantic in me says that they couldn’t stand being apart. The realist in me says we all get old.
I’m at the age that friends have started losing their parents. It’s an unsettling time because you come unmoored. Nothing makes sense. Worse of all, people who haven’t been through it can’t understand. It doesn’t resonate…until it does.
Here are a handful of tricks I’ve observed/learned over the years, shared with friends coping with loss, and leaned on in this past year as my family dealt with a double loss.
- Verbally Celebrate Their Life WITH Them. If you have the opportunity, take the time to celebrate their life with them. I’ve talked to friends who couldn’t bear to stay bedside at the very end. If you can muster the courage…this is a gift, I swear. It’s time to share your favorite stories – good and bad – the memories that will be left behind.
Even if they can’t respond, I believe they can hear us and at least get the sense of love and loss that is left behind. And if you have other loved ones in the room, it invites sharing and it starts the healing process sooner. You never feel that you left things unsaid. This is POWERFUL. Trust me. - You Do You – Allow Your Grief To Flow. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is not a right time or place. Honestly, you don’t control it. It comes in waves and often catches you unaware. Allow yourself the gift of just flowing with it. That may mean crying in line at the grocery store or remaining stoic through the early days. Learning this makes you gentle with other people. I’ve watched people on the outside of loss struggle to understand what a person is going through. If you can learn to just ride the waves and accept it, you will be able to hold space for other people going through the same thing.
You may want comfort. You may want solitude. And what you want may change as you cycle through grief. I found a hug, a tissue, a friend to sit in silence and just witness were all wonderful. One time I wanted to keen…so I went outside and wailed to give my grief voice. Do what feels natural and just be. Be gentle with yourself. - Live In The Present. One big blessing we get by staring mortality in the face is an appreciation of the here and now. Don’t put off those special things you want to do. Say things to people that need to hear them. Get your affairs in order (this will be its own post one day because trust me I have LEARNED some lessons there!). Mostly go out and embrace living.
Our time is uncertain in duration but certain in limitation. Make the most of it and do NOT feel guilty about living. I honestly believe that is what our loved ones want the most. - Indulge in Self-Care. When my dear friends found out my father died, they sent me a massage gift certificate. It came at a time when I needed someone to remind me to take care of myself. I was overwhelmed with care giving, then planning, and arranging after affairs. I was exhausted, stressed, not sleeping, not eating well.
Make your list of self care activities (I did!) and reference it frequently. Indulge yourself. A bubble bath. A facial, mani/pedi, massage. Maybe just a walk outdoors for an hour. Whatever recharges you and reconnects you to the here and now – do it. Do it often! And again, do NOT feel guilty about it. Feeding your own spirit allows you to process grief, support others, and support yourself. It’s one of the first things to slip when life gets stressful. - Speak To Them. I believe in spirits. But even if you don’t, there is something to speaking out loud to the loved ones you are missing. At the very least it connects you to the stored memories in your head and I find I can often work out a problem or get the feeling of support I used to receive from that person.
A friend who lost her mother was really struggling with her absence. I would tell her, find a quiet place and talk to her out loud.
There is something about vocalizing the conversation that settles our spirits. I wish I knew why but if you try it, you’ll understand. - Keep Working On Your Relationship To Them. I had a lot of unresolved things with my dad when he died. Honestly they were things that never could have been resolved with him while he was alive. I can’t imagine doing therapy with him in his 80’s. But that didn’t stop me from working on my relationship with him after he died. Too often we think once a person has passed, we lose our opportunity to repair or address things that needed to be addressed which leaves us feeling unresolved. Partly because I believe in spirits, I think there is no reason to stop.
As I process my feelings of anger, grief, confusion, disappointment, hurt, resentment and others, I find that my memories of my father shift. Some are more gentle and some are a little less flattering. But it keeps ME from being locked up in an unhealthy pattern. It is a commitment I made to live in the now by addressing the past as if it still were here. Sounds confusing but it honestly can help if you have unresolved issues. I also find talking about it out loud (see above) and speaking your truth also helps. Sometimes we just need to get it out in to the universe to settle our spirits. - Grief Never Leaves. This is a big one. My friends who have experienced loss will ask “When will it stop hurting?”
The answer is never. Sorry. But it softens.
It’s like an angry sea at the outset but eventually it calms down and becomes less erratic. It will still surprise you but eventually there is a serenity that accompanies the feeling of loss. I find that I can smile through the tears at sweet memories that accompany the grief. I don’t say this to dishearten you – but they live in our hearts. As long as that is true, we will miss them – and that’s a good thing. It’s a measure of someone’s life, someone’s impact, someone’s importance that they are remembered and missed. It’s a gift for those of us left behind that we never totally lose that person.
There is a universal ocean of grief that our losses drop into and we gain resilience as we learn to bob along in it. It doesn’t have to drown you, you can float. And we will all be there with you.
If you’ve faced grief, what tips and tricks do you have to share that helped you process it?
