I was out walking with a friend the other day and she said, “How are you doing?“
A simple enough question, right?
But when I stopped to think how to answer thoughtfully, I realized I don’t really know.
I’m generally an upbeat, positive, energetic person. I can see the silver lining in almost anything and don’t tend to get down in the dumps.
I realized in this moment of reflection that I’m not happy. I don’t feel like “me”. I don’t find joy in the simple things anymore. I’m also not “in the dumps”. I’m not feeling seriously depressed or out of sorts. I’m right in the middle.
“It’s weird. I’m neither good nor bad. I’m not happy or sad or depressed. I’m just stuck somewhere solidly in the middle. Meh. Blah. Nothing.“
My wise, life-coach friend said “Ah, they have a term for that. It’s called Languishing. A lot of us feel that way these days.“
Fascinating. So of course I started researching…
What Is Languishing?
Languishing is the middle ground which can cover a vast expanse between good and poor mental health. It’s not happy and not depressed. It’s not good or bad. It’s not categorized as any type of mental illness. Rather it’s the emotions we experience. It’s blah. It’s meh. And it’s worth paying attention to since it can precede a slide into mental illness like depression.
The signs, when I read them, were oh-so-familiar. I wonder if you feel this way too.
- Lack of energy or enthusiasm
- General apathy towards life
- Numbness
- Difficulty getting motivated
- Not unhappy but not happy
- Lack of focus
- Failure to savor life
- Everything (work, life) blends together
- Indifference
I think of it as surviving not thriving.
I find that everything takes more energy these days. I procrastinate though I’m not prone to it. My brain says “What does it really matter?” I muster the power to keep the house clean, to show up at work and be the best I can be, to workout regularly. Even those things that usually bring me a sense of accomplishment don’t give me a lasting “high”. My days pass in a blur that lacks distinguishing characteristics.
Do I blame the pandemic? Sure.
The early days of “I’ve got this!” slowly shifted to apathy and indifference. And these days I’m going through the motions of living but none of it gets me jazzed like it used to.
What To Do About It?
As many of the articles I read indicated, though languishing isn’t considered mental illness per se, people who languish are more likely to slide into depression or suffer from post traumatic stress disorder. To combat this, it’s important to recognize it, name it, and try to address it head on.
- Name it – There is power to naming and acknowledging something. It makes it real and tangible which also makes it something we can face.
- Take time off – For many years, I planned trips, adventures, excursions at least once a month. These could range from small to large but they were intended to get me out into the broader world. This core activity was unnaturally curtailed for me by the pandemic so I had to figure out how to get it back. I planned a couple of successful short trips but I feel like every time I try to plan out a little bit, some new COVID-related items pops up that makes me pause.
Last month I tried taking every Friday off (trust me I have more than enough unused vacation time). It was glorious. I found it relieved the sense of “grind” that I had been experiencing. When I couldn’t find ways to recharge my batteries through travel, I found that just shifting focus helped a bit. - Get things done – In the early days of being stuck at home, I was motivated about getting home improvements and little tasks done. This energy tailed off pretty substantially when I shifted my focus from sprint to marathon. With my extra day off, I unplugged and picked one long standing goal to work on. Something small and manageable, but significant. Something that, when it was done, didn’t come back on my list. I selected the task of refinishing two dressers I have. This has been on my long-term to do list for almost a decade. It felt great to do something that moved me forward in a visible and measurable way.
I haven’t finished the project yet – but I’m most of the way there and I can see the light at the end of this project tunnel. - Get outside – I found that it was too easy to let the day pass in a blur and never leave the house. My long morning runs of last year stopped when the weather got hot and simply never returned. I’m not back to running just yet but I’ve focused the last two months on just getting out of the house daily. During my walk, I listen to music, podcasts, even news. Anything that will help shift my perspective or help me feel connected to the broader world is welcome.
- Pick a few habits to focus on – While I don’t get a thrill from accomplishment of small things, I’m finding that meeting longer term goals is very helpful. A few blogs ago I wrote about consistency. I find this is helping me regain that sense of bigger accomplishment. I’m 260 days into working on my Spanish skills (again). I completed one full month of getting in 10,000 steps every day. I’m halfway through my slightly increased goal of repeating that this month AND making sure I hit distance and floor goals (thanks, Fitbit!)
- Find moments to abandon to joy – While I haven’t yet found the key to my boundless energy filled with joy and optimism that is my familiar norm – I look for things that bring me intense, in-the-moment joy. Mostly this relates to movement and music. I have a playlist of songs that just make me happy and make me want to dance and sing. When I’m alone in the house, I put one on and dance around like a maniac. For those few moments, I feel like me again!
My go-to happy song is Happy from Despicable Me by Pharrell Williams. Sure it’s a little obvious but I cannot help but smile and dance when I hear it. It’s been my ringtone for years so I try to make sure I listen to it at least once a day!
A good cat or panda video can definitely serve as a midday pick me up as well! - Connect with people – I don’t mean mindless connection with just anyone. I mean soulful connection with people that fill your heart. When I realized I was getting too isolated, I set up my version of “play dates” with friends. I prefer one-on-one interactions so I reached out and found time to have a meal or get coffee with someone. For me, getting vaccinated was a big part of helping this happen because it ticked the box for my comfort level.
I could use 1000% more of this, but it is a start.
I know I’m not alone feeling this way. I’d bet that more of us are languishing than not. While my strategies are helping me combat this sense of ennui, I’m always open to suggestions and recommendations from others. This is where having a community can help support us. If you can relate or if you have your own strategies to cope with languishing, please share them in the comments below.
