Have you heard of Swedish Death Cleaning? Me neither.
I just joined a decluttering group on Facebook (Clear the Clutter and Breathe – 290K members strong!) to help reignite my simplification goals for 2022. I’ve been decluttering and simplifying for years (though I know many would say it barely shows).
I’ve employed a bunch of strategies – and frankly I think they all work in their own way. Marie Kondo and “sparking joy” works for me on a lot of things. However, on practical things like – say – cookware – this method doesn’t suit me. There’s a practical aspect (probably the Yankee in me) that doesn’t want to get rid of perfectly good things. This is exacerbated by my partner who is cut from the same cloth.
In response to someone’s post, I was talking about the blessings my parents had gifted me and my sister by decluttering their own belongings while they are still healthy and active. One of the members reached out to me and asked if I had heard about Swedish Death Cleaning.
Down a rabbit hole I fell…
But first let me provide a little context – and see if you recognize yourself or loved ones in any of these stories.
The Stories
My Own
As a newlywed a lifetime and a husband ago, our first home purchase was immediately marred by my brand new mother-in-law insisting that we help empty out HER house. Instead of starting with a blank slate, we were climbing around piles and piles of other people’s things. These were not only things we didn’t need, but they came with strings attached. We couldn’t get rid of them. We couldn’t sell them. We couldn’t pass them on. One was a large desk that filled an entire guest room that was to be passed on to our nephew. Why it didn’t go to my sister-in-law who lived in a neighboring state to my MIL and instead came to the opposite coast of the United States to us was never explained. I only know that for a moment almost every day of my ten year marriage, I looked at that desk and seethed. It didn’t last long, but I resented all that it came to represent. It felt – aggressive – to be “gifted” someone else’s clutter. This started a long path to try to NOT clutter other people’s home. I wish I had been so mindful of my own home after I divorced.
My Friend
A dear friend of mine lost her mother during COVID and she can’t bring herself to clear out her things. Her father asked her to remove things from his living space to help him find ways to move forward, but she’s paralyzed. And I get it. It’s as though going through her mom’s things will makes her absence and death more real than it already is. My heart breaks for her and I intuitively understand that one day we may all be in that same situation.
An Acquaintance
Another acquaintance of mine told me his father is a hoarder. There’s no other word for it. When his mother fell ill many years ago, he moved in with his parents to help out. When his mother eventually passed, he realized he needed to start preparing for his father declining health as well. One of the tasks was to prepare an oversized house for sale. Before he could do anything though, he had to tackle sixty years of his father’s hoarding. Things like thirty years of newspapers stacked in the garage. And his father resisted his attempts to address it – in part because he didn’t want his world to change any more than it had with the passing of his beloved wife. It depressed my acquaintance to no end. But he couldn’t find the words or a way to speak with his father about it. As far as I know, he still hasn’t. So on top of dealing with his dad’s death when he eventually passes, he will have to tackle a mountain of junk accumulated over years before he can even start to clear his grief.
Total Strangers
…but this may sound familiar to you. I’ve been perusing the posts in the Clear the Clutter and Breathe FB group and easily half of it is people dealing with the loss of a loved one – child, parent, spouse. They are paralyzed with grief and overwhelmed by the decluttering they have to do to settle the person’s estate. Or they hold onto “things” to assuage their grief but it eventually spirals out of control. Then they feel overwhelmed, more paralyzed – and the cycle continues.
Now you aren’t dealing with your OWN mess – but you’ve inherited the lifetime of someone else’s mess. And if you thought finding a starting point on your OWN business is hard – just try to find a place to start with someone else’s. Particularly when that someone else is someone you miss deeply.
The battle with “stuff” seems to be fairly universal. It overwhelms us and requires energy and resources to acquire, manage, and eventually toss. It’s a ridiculous cycle, right?
Most of us know by now that “stuff” more often robs us of our happiness, peace, and serenity than brings us lasting joy. Now we are ready to dive into the concept of…
Swedish Death Cleaning
There is a book called The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family From a Lifetime of Clutter by Margareta Magnusson. This may very well be a concept she created, or it may be a cultural phenomenon in Sweden, but the general concept isn’t new. I just haven’t heard a name for it before. Nor have I seen people talking about “death cleaning”.
Is it weird I’m excited about this topic?
The concept is pretty simple. Who has to take care of your stuff after you’re gone? In order to really dive into this, we have to deal with our own mortality head on. We are all going to die one day. It sucks but it’s the reality. And, we can’t take it with us. Unless you have a nice pyramid waiting for you in the desert somewhere. Apparently in Sweden as people reach (dare I say?) middle age (or as I prefer our AWESOME FIFTIES!) they start to downsize and declutter with the specific intent of removing burden from their loved ones.
Both of my parents did versions of this on their own (neither is Swedish). Mom downsized after her divorce and continues to simplify every day. It suits her lifestyle and it is a huge blessing to me and my sister. Likewise my dad and stepmom moved from a house to a smaller condo and got rid of a bunch of unnecessary stuff. They asked everyone to mark what they wanted from the house. If they didn’t have use for it, you took it with you. If they were going to keep it, it was earmarked for you when they pass. It was super clear. No confusion, no fighting with each other after the fact. It is a huge blessing to all of the kids and grandkids involved. We know how to dole out property and what matters/doesn’t matter when they pass.
I do not have children to leave things to so when I ask the question “who will take care of my stuff after I’m gone” it’s a really short list. Who will have to deal with the mountain of things I currently own? How do I make that a better experience for someone after I’ve passed?
I suppose it’s possible to take the position “not my problem – I’m dead.” But that’s not my style at all. I’m looking at bookshelves filled with cookbooks as I type and I think – I will either work this down to a manageable volume OR I will think about where they can be donated when I pass and leave those details in a will to try to be helpful.
Obviously the better path is just to simplify now.
Anything that feels valuable and I want passed on, I need to think if I’d rather get the joy of seeing someone use it and love it NOW, or if I really need to hold onto it. When I look at my belongings through this lens, it is somehow easier to let go of the silly things.
What if these weren’t my belongings? What if I inherited all of this from someone else? How would I proceed? Let me do the hard work now so someone else doesn’t have to. In this filter – I have a LOT to do. Organization alone doesn’t cut it. It’s massive simplification.
When I die, I want to be remembered fondly by anyone left who remembers me. Not cursed for leaving them burdened and overwhelmed. If I don’t take care of it now, I’m just kicking it down the street for someone else. I have a very strong feeling The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family From a Lifetime of Clutter is going to be an oft given book in 2022.
Have you found yourself on the wrong end of having to sort through someone’s things? Do you think you could embrace Swedish Death Cleaning for your loved ones? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic. Please leave them in the comments below!
