As we were opening gifts and talking about holidays past, I started thinking about gift giving style.
There are several different gift giving styles and mine has shifted and changed throughout the year. There is no right or wrong, to be clear. Just different. And some times it’s helpful to just realize that different people have different approaches to things. I find it fascinating. And I find that it allows me to be more understanding and compassionate about my reactions and perspectives.
The Expert Gift Buyer
I consider this the pinnacle gift buyer. This person KNOWS their gift recipients and always strives to find the perfect gift at a reasonable cost. This isn’t throwing gifts at someone simply for the sake of it. It is a carefully curated process that often takes months or even a full year of contemplation and thought. This is the person that manages to get you the perfect thing you never knew you needed or wanted – but then cannot live without.
One of the traits of the expert gift buyer is that a present must be perfect – which means quality matters over quantity.
Every once in a while, I stumble into this category by sheer luck. It helps to really know the person and details of their daily life. However, good intentions do not always translate with gift giving. A swing and a miss is just as likely as a home run for me. Still, I enjoy when I can nail it!
The Gift Maker
The maker of gifts may be a person on a budget, but the gift of their time and energy is really the message here. The handmade gift isn’t always a perfect fit for the recipient because each person is limited by their own time, talent, and resources. However, the handmade gift is heartfelt. There is no greater gift than someone’s time.
In the years I was either on a budget or had an abundance of time (back in my twenties!) I made a lot of gifts. They were made with loving care and attention.
I love a good handmade gift but honestly how many times can I gift one person a scarf? Any more, with limited time, this is a rarity. It’s hard not to be attached to a person’s reaction when you’ve poured time and energy into creating something. I only take the time to hand make a gift if I think it will fall into the category of “perfect”. The exception to this is food items but I’ll get into that later.
The Excited Gift Buyer
This is pretty much always me, despite any other category. This person thinks the thing they’ve found as a gift is so spot on that they want to give it away immediately.
You know the feeling. You’ve just wrapped the perfect gift and before the time has come to give it, the person NEEDS the thing you are gifting. Do you let them go without or do you grab the gift and give it early?
When I find that “perfect” thing, I can barely contain my excitement. I want to see the person open the gift. This is a slightly selfish gift because I personally get more joy out of GIVING gifts than receiving them. Giving gifts brings me joy – particularly when it’s just the right thing! Or… I think it’s the right thing. More on this later too!
The Obligated Gift Buyer
This is the category that started me thinking. This is the person that feels they “should” or “ought to” buy someone a gift. It’s what White Elephant Gift Exchanges are made off. It’s fodder for some of the best gifting horror stories we share during the holidays. It’s the reason a seven year old boy gets tea towels from his great aunt. You get the picture.
The obliged gift buyer is more focused on quantity than quality. This doesn’t necessarily mean CHEAP. I’ve had some beautiful and expensive gifts fall into this category. It’s the “something is better than nothing” mentality and the degree of obligation often equates to the price tag.
It can also be a random array of items that make no sense alone or together. These are easy ones to spot. There are question marks on faces when gifts are open followed by a sort of questioning “Thanks…?”
I recall when I was married (a life time ago) I felt obliged to buy gifts for in-laws I didn’t know well. I’m sure I fell into this category then. Something was better than nothing at the holidays.
As a fan of giving gifts, there is something in this space that empties out my soul. I believe people fall into this trap because NOT giving a gift when someone else expects it is a different kind of discomfort.
Consider the Gift Recipient
One additional factor that may impact the gift giving dynamic is the gift recipient. Certainly if you are dealing with someone who EXPECTS a gift, then you may find yourself in the obligated gift buyer category for that person. If instead you find yourself paired with someone who doesn’t really value “stuff” (welcome to my world!) then gifts should only be given when they can have thought or care behind it.
As a gift recipient myself I have the opportunity to consider the gift giving style of the person facing me. Obligation isn’t always bad. It may simply be the only thing a person knows. Though I am fine without gifts, it’s hard for many people to NOT do an expected thing. I’m happy with a card, a hug, a cup of tea with friends. When I get a gift that feels more of obligation than fit – I try to consider the effort that person made. They are giving a gift to make themselves feel okay. And I have no judgment about it. I don’t take it personally.
I’m sensitive to people’s focus on simplification. I’ve simplified a lot of my attitude about gift giving and the holidays in general but when I head towards obligation, I prefer to give food items instead (preferably homemade). This carries less obligation to the recipient and it is usually appreciated and then gone quickly.
If someone is really hard to buy for – I like to get them “an experience” or “a memory”. This may be an outing, a day of whatever they want to do, a trip, and adventure. It can be tailored to the person, but since I believe the gift of time is really the greatest gift we can give, creating memories we can share and look back on is pretty much the top of the list of one size fits all!
Your presence is the present.
What’s your gift giving style? I look forward to hearing your thoughts in the comments!
