I’m not a fan of the win-lose paradigm. I didn’t play competitive sports…or any sports really. I was a dancer and a cheerleader – two activities which are distinct for NOT being about winning or losing.
I’m also not a great sports fan because I’m acutely aware if “my” team wins, then someone else’s team lost. I know it doesn’t feel great if your team doesn’t perform. So I try to be a very quiet, gracious winner – and probably an even quieter, more gracious loser. I like to lick my wounds in private anyway.
This week I had a minor pseudo victory. I don’t want to count my chickens before they’ve hatched, but for many people what happened would be regarded as a “win”.
I won’t give much context (and truly it’s only because I’m mildly superstitious and it isn’t terribly exciting) but it was a legal-esque hearing about whether or not a contractor had fulfilled their obligations and if I should be reimbursed for money spent on the work that had to be redone (and paid for in full again).
Generally the hearing leaned in my favor, in large part thanks to back breaking preparation, twenty-eight detailed, organized exhibits which were carefully cross referenced in chronological order, and the guidance and support of my fabulous guy.
But at the end of it all, it didn’t feel like a win.
Friends and family asked me if I felt relieved or elated.
I cried.
I’m a bit angry at myself for crying. I’m a strong and capable woman who only ever cries when my nervous system is overwhelmed and can’t figure out any other way to release it.
Okay, and I cry at sappy stories, silly memes, short videos and hallmark commercials – but who doesn’t? Monsters!!
So my reaction to this “win” was to cry. I cried because I was exhausted, tired, relieved, angry, frustrated, even empathetic to the person who put me through it all. I cried because getting something right after years of being put through the ringer still doesn’t feel good.
Justice, folks, doesn’t feel nearly as good as it should.
When Justice only comes on the heels of YEARS of anguish, THOUSANDS of dollars of investment, HUNDREDS of hours of personal time lost – it sucks.
If a cadre of legal professionals need to be involved, I don’t think that Justice feels good. If you teeter on the edge of NOT seeing Justice (understanding full well that Justice is most often in the eye of the beholder) until the very end, it means that the great cosmic coin toss could have gone either way…which means that Justice is a crap shoot and a game of chance. Which, if you’ve ever been involved in legal proceedings, even as a juror or witness, you know to be true.
Justice is a Las Vegas game of odds.
I don’t mean to bring anyone down. I am not looking for any sympathy. I think everyone involved in this process lost. We may lose in different ways but we all lost. Even the presiding judge lost his time. These are things that no amount of financial reparation will repair or replace. And it sucks.
I’m a fixer, a problem solver. I’m hard wired to look for ways to solve things that look like issues. I know I will be turning this over in my head for a long time because there has to be a better way than resorting to the legal system for solving our problems in an achingly slow manner that helps no one. There has to be a win-win.
As I stated at the beginning, I’m a conflicted winner. I’m certainly not a fan of losing (unless it’s that last pesky 8 pounds on the scale!) I always seek the win-win. It feels good and it appeals to my sense of fairness and justice. There’s enough for us all if we get creative and look for the right way to approach situations.
The lose-lose scenario I’m feeling now feels like the worst type of “winning”. I’m not sure how. I’m not sure when. But I’m going to adopt this as a mission – how to make things win-win. Maybe I need to become a mediator. Maybe I need to educate contractors how to be better business people. Maybe I need to inform consumers how to be better armed and vigilant against unscrupulous contractors. Maybe I can start small – but I need to start. We all need to start. Isn’t what what we’ve learned over the last year?
Justice only feels good when it happens quickly, organically, and it’s baked into the front end process so we can all get our share of it…without the lawyers.
*I mean no offense to litigators. I have many dear friends who work in the legal profession and are lovely people. It’s the system that needs repair, not the people – at least not all of them. I should also note the lawyer and judge involved in the issue I’m referencing were fair and measured and really decent. I just hate the process – it feels broken!
